J called me New Year's Eve just as I was getting dressed to go meet someone new on South Beach. I felt a pang of guilt. But he still hasn't apologized nor given me a more thorough explanation for his abrupt move. A week ago he told me he was coming back to FL -- but just passing through then heading back to PR. I don't even want to see him. For what? What's the point? I've started dating again, revived my POF profile, and am trying to find someone to help me move on from this lackluster situation. We all want love. I moved down here not expecting much or even seriously looking for a relationship then J hurled me into one only to leave me rejected and jaded. So now I'm in a weird emotional space, where everything feels numb and no one makes me feel anything. I just don't want to be bothered with feelings, I just want to go out and focus on school. I plan on blogging once a week just so that there is some record of my time in Florida. Who knows if I'll stay after graduation next year?!
I just submitted my last and final paper for the Fall 2012 semester! I was expecting a huge rush of relief to wash over me...nope. I still feel stressed but the source is J. He left for PR indefinitely this afternoon. When he called to say goodbye, he was so casual about it that I started to tear up. It all depends on if American Airlines calls him back to work. Meanwhile I just have to take the loss. And it's a great loss. I was just about to fall in love, I was standing right at the edge looking down on the possibilities. Now I have to wait and see?! I don't want to date again, I think I'm going to redirect my energies into balancing school and work for and entire semester and getting in better shape physically. So that if and when he returns, I won't feel like I haven't changed or made any recognizable progress in my life. The only reasonable consolation is that famed quoted "it is greater to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
One month to the day after meeting J, things have fizzled a bit. The candle burned bright for 30 days. Too hot, too fast. Today I felt like a fool. My first love, he fought for me. Made me feel worthy of love. I want J to be my next great love, but I feel inadequate and as if he's stopped trying to fight for me. Partly it's relief, romance is incredibly inconvenient when you work 5 days and go to school the other 2. We fast forwarded the courting and played house a little. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy my alone time. Who am I supposed to be in a relationship anyway? I've never known. I'm good at being aloof, at ending things, but being vulnerable is not my forte. I'm at a loss. I didn't move to FL for melodrama. Stay tuned.
Whoever said that you can't run away from your problems sorely underestimated the efficacy of a car and Amtrak Auto Train. Even though your issues remain omnipresent, a change in scenery is sometimes the best way to reset your life.
Let's take inventory of my life right now:
1. Attending University of Miami, English/Secondary Ed., projected graduation 2014.
2. Began working at Macy's Furniture Gallery yesterday (commissioned sales).
3. Single for 4 years in December (violins, please).
4. Relationship with my mother is in a much healthier place, she's very supportive.
5. My gifted Infiniti is a rust bucket and gives me anxiety every time I drive it!
6. Weigh 195lbs (on good days), still want to loose 15-20lbs.
Most importantly I finally live in Florida, it's mid October and mild 80s everyday! Perhaps I didn't outrun my problems, but I sure as hell relocated them, and I have no regrets!
Posts
